Shared Traits Between My Child and Me
Having ADHD as a parent has been very stressful at times. It’s definitely anxiety-inducing. Don’t get me wrong — I love my child, and I love being a mom — but there are times when I’ve felt like such a failure.
My child and I share so many traits. We both “crash out” over mundane things and can get hyper-focused on something so intensely that we don’t realize what’s happening around us. We’re forgetful, we hate when routines are disrupted, and we worry or obsess over things. There are times when we both just completely shut down — we go quiet, avoid talking, and feel mentally drained and exhausted.
Sometimes I wonder if she’s mirroring me, or if it’s just how both our brains are wired. Either way, it’s a constant reminder that parenting a child who shares your neurodivergence can be both validating and deeply challenging.
Meltdowns vs. Shutdowns
In our house, we experience both meltdowns and shutdowns — and they feel very different.
A meltdown for me feels like my emotions are exploding outward. My brain feels like it’s going to burst, words tumble out too fast or come out wrong, and I can’t seem to slow myself down. During those moments, I might yell, argue, or get so frustrated that I take it out on those closest to me — usually my husband. Sometimes these arguments happen in front of our daughter, and when she tells us to stop yelling, the guilt hits hard.
A shutdown, on the other hand, feels like everything goes quiet inside me. I don’t want to talk, I don’t want to be touched, and I feel mentally paralyzed. My daughter has told me she feels the same way at times, and that hurts to hear — not because I’m angry with her, but because I recognize that same exhaustion in myself.
Overstimulation and Emotional Overflow
When I’m overstimulated, it feels like the world is turned up too loud — every sound, every demand, every emotion. My brain races, trying to process too much at once. I can’t always find the right words, and when I do, they come out wrong or get misunderstood.
That overstimulation often spills over into my relationships. I project my frustration without meaning to, and then comes the guilt, the self-doubt, and the shame spiral. It feels like a constant tug of war between how I want to react and how my brain actually responds in the moment.
Parenting When Your Brain Works Differently
Parenting while having ADHD means constantly learning, re-learning, and forgiving yourself. Therapy has been a lifesaver — it gives me tools, even if I don’t always use them perfectly. I’m learning to pause, to breathe, to recognize the signs before things spiral.
But it’s lonely sometimes. When I share my experiences, people often say, “Oh, I’ve been there too. You’re doing fine.” But inside, I’m screaming — because I wish I could have handled things better. I try to practice gentle parenting, but sometimes I end up being the “scary mom” who yells. And then the guilt sets in again.
Still, I’m learning to give myself grace. My daughter doesn’t need a perfect mom — she needs a mom who keeps trying, who apologizes, and who models growth.
Finding the Wins
Parenting is hard in general, and it can be especially challenging when your brain processes the world differently. But it’s also rewarding. A day without a meltdown, overstimulation, or shutdown is a big win in our family. Those tiny, happy moments — laughing together, connecting, having calm evenings — I cherish them deeply. Because the next day might be chaos again, but that’s okay. We’re learning together.